Well we got some bad news from the folks over at TV 18 the other night. That's when they did a spot check for us area viewers to see if our television sets are compliant with the upcoming digital TV transition. Analog transmission is to end and digital transmission will be the only service available. That's what they say, and have been saying for about two years.

In our house we've got a sorry collection of old televisions, four to be exact, and even the newest of the bunch displayed the same message as the oldest one during the test: "Your TV is not compliant with the digital...blah, blah, blah."

Digital, smigital, that's all I've got to say on the subject. Well, actually I've got a tad more to say.

I went on the Internet to see what this digital conversion is all about. Now besides being an analog television household, our Internet service is the ancient "dial-up" service. That means we get Internet over the phone lines. When we initiate the dial up there is a loud static noise and a series of blips and then a whirl and finally a "bop." If the squirrels in Yeoman have not been nesting in the switch box or if the trunk line in Idaville didn't get wet in last week's rain - well, then you're on the high speed information highway.

I did get on the Internet and found a doomsday clock telling me I have 35 days until sitting in my comfy couch recliner with a bag of Doritos watching a blank screen on the television.

There are worse things to fear than such a fate.

Oh well, all we need is the little black converter box.

According to the site on the Internet, old antiquated television set + black box + rabbit antenna = digital conversion.

The mysterious little black box is only $40 and there are coupons (they're all out - sorry) and we've got one such coupon (long expired) and who's idea again was all this anyway?

OK, so apparently I am the last person in the world to even consider government conspiracy theories. I mean, what exactly is this black box doing and why do I want Uncle Sam to place it on my television set. In fact, why do I want to register as one of the few rabbit ear holdouts? Why do I want to be counted as the guy with dial-up Internet service, analog TVs and the VCR with the blinking digital clock read.

I write about switching from the analog signal to the digital signal like I have a clue as to what that really means. I still marvel at how radio works, how planes ascend, how the electric window in my car goes up and down. I do not understand the difference between analog and digital television transmission. But I don't know how many officials I want knowing what I don't know.

Things are not always as they appear.

When I was in grammar school I was a member of the Bluebirds reading group. I remember liking the sound of that name and thinking that Bluebirds were kind of sharp. I don't know when it was I learned the truth. It turned out the Bluebirds were actually the dodo birds - we little slow learners. I think that's when I learned to be suspicious.

I'm not sure I want to be on record, or labeled by Uncle Sam, as an "analog" or a "rabbit ear." I'm not sure I want all my television feed through a little mysterious black box of unknown origin. It's one thing to be a little challenged by technology, it's another thing for the government to have you pegged as same.

So my conspiracy theory is that all we analogs (admitted low tech folks) will be identified as needing educational TV programming - thus the little black box. Under this theory if I go to watch "American Idol" the little black box may instead dish up a filmstrip on how radio waves work, or a nice program called "The Amazing Mr. Edison."

Meanwhile the count down continues until four TV screens go blank in our household. So I'm thinking recliner + Doritos + a good book = analog anonymity.