Midwest Memo
Repose
by Alan Shultz

When sleep eludes me there is no greater state or commodity after which I seek.

Sleep, beautiful sleep.

Except, sometime, nodding off is not all that wise of a plan.

I got myself in the doghouse the other day when my wife and I pulled out the income tax file and started to rummage around through a year's worth of receipts. I don't know how that moment coincided with certain unusual atmospheric conditions, but it was as though all the oxygen in the room suddenly vanished. I immediately got to yawning.

My yawns were not subtle, but rather roaring gasps for air. I stretched and moaned until my more disciplined partner protested quite empathically. Actually, an IRS revenue officer couldn't have done a better job of getting my complete attention. I hardly stifled a yawn after that.

But when sleep calls, it calls.

Our Thursday weekly meetings can get pretty dull over at the real estate office where I work. We sit in a circle formed with our chairs in the back of the office and talk about the market conditions and who's buying and who's selling. It can get pretty dull. Add to that topic mix a big jelly donut and a person can get a little too comfortable.

On a recent Thursday I showed up for the meeting. But it seems I could have skipped it because I don't remember much of what was discussed. My friend Gail cornered me after the meeting broke up. Gail is not one to mince words.

"Honey, I would have thrown something at you if I could have," she said poking her finger at me.

The blank look on my face must have registered the fact that I didn't have a clue what she was talking about.

"You were sleeping!"

Oh dear.

Sometimes I attend halfday industry meetings on real estate topics. Sleep is always a challenge at these events. I like to ditch my co-workers at these events and sit with strangers. When you nod off with strangers it's a little less embarrassing.

I go into these meetings knowing that sleep will try to challenge me. I bring a diet soda along to keep me awake. Sometimes I sit forward in the seat as though I'm trying hard to listen.

Mental games can help a little. I open my eyes wide in an expression that usually makes me look frightened or confused. Then I imagine those toothpicks from old cartoons keeping those peepers wide open.

It never works.

I slumber, I drool. Only my neighbor can attest to whether I snore.

Oh my.

But gosh if that same sleep that likes to visit at office meetings and church services and sales seminars, that very same slumber can vanish when the moon is high in the sky and the order of business is official repose.

I find counting sheep does not help bring sleep.

My sheep all carry little 3X5 index cards with things I need to get done or to worry about. I've never cared for those sleep sheep.

When I can't get to sleep I toss, I turn, I rearrange the pillows, pop up and make a note to myself then go back to the toss, the turn, the pillow.

It makes me wonder if any ministers or seminar leaders have ever tried to capitalize on those of us who find sleep sometimes illusive. Imagine it, the midnight, mid-week church service with the overhead lights on dim and the sermon or topic on drone.

Say, you'd only have to wake us when its time to pass the plate.

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.