Midwest Memo
Long johns
by Alan Shultz

My wife and I don't rush our Christmas shopping. We let the calendar turn to December and the days quietly progress until the music of the season and the scents in the air combine to set the mood. When visions of sugarplums actually dance in our head, well then the panic sets in and we get going.

Posing as one of Santa's helpers, I snagged some interesting catalogues at the print section of the recycling bins the other day. I thought the catalogues might save us some nonquality time at the shopping mall. I got a J. C. Penney's cook's catalogue. It's all things kitchen and cooking - very interesting. I also took a Harry and David - home of the famous fruit and chocolate tower. But the real find, the inspiration for this year's gift giving theme was "Winter Silks."

Yes, Christmas 2007 in our house will be the year of the long johns.

But it's not as easy as it sounds. We've got color, size, style, weight and material choices to deal with.

As the company name implies, Winter Silks emphasizes silk as the material of choice. However, the other choices include cotton, silk and synthetic blends and something called "ThermoKnit" which sounds really toasty. So there's choice one.

In style, we have men, woman, and unisex. Hmmmm. Choice number two.

Unique to the choices for tops is the crew neck and the V. In this case the V is a real plugger, if you get my drift, and personally, I think it's a drafty choice for number three.

Our fourth choice is the color. Their choices include the standards like white, black, grey. But there's also cream and meadow violet and a whole palate that requires an interior decorator's advice. Did I mention you can mix and match. Perhaps a grey on top and a little meadow violet on bottom?

The warmth index for these long johns is rated by snow flakes. No, I'm not making this up. A one snowflake rating equals warm. Two snowflakes is warmer. Three snowflakes is warmest. The catalogue promises that with the 3 snowflake rating "Jack Frost doesn't stand a chance." Sounds warm to me!

That's five choice factors and counting.

Finally, coming in at choice factor number six is size. Size is the potential ticking bomb in gift giving and probably the most common cause for gift returns. When it comes to guessing someone else's size I am more often wrong than right. And when you add in five other variables, well we decided this was the year to take orders for long johns,

rather than guess. I mean,

there you are, Christmas morning with a two snowflake rated, ladies' medium, silk in tan with a plunging V neck when your heart was set on meadow violet with a crew neck.

So we're taking orders and it's decisions, decisions for the family members on our list. And nobody just fires off their preference and then sticks with it.

"I'll have to get back to you."

" Could I see the list of all the colors?"

"Say, can I still change the neck style?"

But the deadline is looming.

Stay tuned is all I can say.

And if you see at the post office on the 24th - and I'm loaded down with a dozen boxes labeled "Tower of Fruit," well then you'll know folks just didn't get their orders in.

But if I'm sweating a lot as I wrangle those boxes into the car. Well then you know I'm sporting my silk, men's medium, 2 snow flake rated long johns with crew neck in a color that will just have to be left to imagination.