Midwest Memo
CSI...Delphi?
by Alan Shultz

The endless spinoffs of the hit series CSI shouldn't have to involve just big city locales or necessarily even be limited to crime scenes. There's a lot of trouble out there that warrants investigating. That's why I'm proposing a local spin-off with a twist - Crabby Scene Investigators. CSI-Delphi, if you wish.

Why, you ask?

Silly, you scoff.

Well, there's an excess state of crabby going on in my life. And I'd sure be glad if someone, anyone investigated the current state of affairs.

Ok, so take the lint roller, for instance.

The lint roller is an amazing invention. I shall always be somewhat indebted to the inventor of the lint roller for the order and hope he or she has contributed to my life. Among the given elements in my daily routine are two furry cats at home, an auto with clingy cloth interior seats and a couple pair of trousers with lint magnets hidden somewhere inside. All these things combined make the lint roller an essential tool in order to appear anywhere in public. My lint rollers are used multiple times a day.

I keep one lint roller near the front door, another is discretely positioned in a side door pocket in the car. Replacement rollers are kept in various drawers around the house.

Cheap lint rollers can be had for 10 for $10 on super sale at the grocery store. These rollers are fine, but not quality. The surface of the cheap lint roller doesn't pick up all that well. The cheap lint roller requires a lot of, well, rolling. And the little disposable squares of lint trapping material, they simply don't tear off as easily, or as preciously, as the premium ones. A really good lint roller will set you back $2.98. If you're desperate, a lint roller at the convenience store will clock in at a whopping $3.49. When you do the math - you can spend a lot of money in this arena. Let's face it, lint doesn't come off cheap.

So what's my big beef with my lint rollers? Why so crabby?

The lint roller comes from the manufacturer wrapped in an outer packaging of some marvelous miracle material. The outside of the packaging is smooth and pleasant to the touch. The inside of this protective outer layer is also smooth. The protective wrap material is not tacky like the lint roller material. Lint, hairs, fuzz, fluff, dust, dander, dirt, sand, crud and crumbs, all these things that stick to the lint roller material do not stick to the outer protective manufacturer's wrap in which the roller arrives. Factory equipment, I would call it.

Imagine how lint roller sales would grind to a halt if these handy items were sold without their protective non-adhesive outer wrappings. There

they would sit on the shelves

attracting, literally, dust and bits of yarn and hair and all kinds of yuck.

When I first open a new lint roller I do so ever so carefully. I separate the outer protective manufacturer's wrap so that I may wrap and re-wrap my lint roller after each and every use. Otherwise, without that protective wrapper, the lint roller in my car, the lint roller near my front door, the "in case of emergency" roller stashed away in a drawer, well that roller, stored without the reusable manufacturer's outer layer, that roller is full of dust, debris, lint.... I could go on and on - and I do.

Everyone in my extended family who uses my lint rollers do the exact same thing. They throw away the outer protective wrapping that I have painstakingly saved and reused to keep my roller fresh! It makes me crabby! Someone should investigate this state of affairs.

And you, the reader rolling his or her eyes over the absurdity of my little tirade, you just happen to have a small piece of orange thread stuck to....well, I've decided I'm not going to tell you where it is. So there.