Midwest Memo
Taxing repeat tales
by Alan Shultz

A couple months back I was at a meeting with an enthusiastic, energetic keynote speaker. After her initial greeting, the speaker addressed the problem of cell phones ringing during her presentation.

"I love those little interruptions," she said, " I love them, because they mean a $5 donation to the charity of my choosing."

Everyone chuckled nervously. Somehow, we all knew she meant it. And so, when the first cell phone went off, the presenter bee-lined it to the offender with her outstretched hand in a "show me the money" kind of way.

Folks laughed, the offender produced a $5, and the presenter stayed with the energy.

"I don't make change either," she said, "so if you only have $20s..."

A couple of fines and the corresponding $5s later and miraculously, everyone was able to figure out how to turn off their phones.

Money, for what it's worth, changes everything. Fines, penalties, tax - they all dramatically affect behavior.

I was telling one of my favorite stories the other day. Midway through the story it occurred to me that my audience of three polite listeners had all heard this well rehearsed tale before. In one person's case - several times before.

And that's when the idea hit me: a revenue producing idea with the potential of solving the looming funding crises for Social Security and Medicare.

We should tax the retelling of stories.

Sure it sounds silly, as silly as taxing food and most of all the necessities of life. But we tax those things. We have death taxes and sin taxes, why shouldn't we have taxes for those stories, those tales some folks, yours truly included, tell over and over and over again?

Of course, we would have to phase this tax in over time. I propose we start with the Baby Boomers - make it part of their Social Security benefit package - which, by the way, we tax.

The Repeating Tale Tax (RTT) would kick in 30 days after each Boomer receives his or her first Social Security check.

Initially, I would propose a tax plan liberal with exemptions. Take, for instance, this 102-year-old lady golfer that just hit the hole-in-one. She would certainly get a pass on the tax - retell that story as many times as she wants. "On the house," I say.

And veterans get a pass, too. Any tales while in uniform - those would be exempt from the tax. Any story funny enough to make people laugh each time they hear it - that would get a pass, too.

Then again, certain repeated tales would come with triple

tax penalties. The re-telling of

hospital stays, operations, any story with the word gallbladder, those we're talking big RTT.

Collections would be a problem, that is unless we deputize all listeners. We could all carry RTT citation books. They'd look a little like the pad the traffic cop uses to write parking tickets. Boy I can see a change of topic coming real fast when someone in the group pulls the old RTT form from his or her back pocket.

I feel like I can tout this tax because I'm an offender. More and more I find myself asking folks: "Have I told you this before?" Although, as I think about it, I'm not sure I wait for anyone to answer the question.

Then again, I've got some stories I'd gladly pay a tax on just to tell again. However, with a tax on the retelling of stories I'd be inclined to clean my story closet so to speak. I'd toss out a few. I'd be a little more discerning.

With the RTT tax in place, the question, "Have I told you this before?" would take on new meaning. The fellow posing the question, might actually listen for the answer.