Midwest Memo
Child pose, please
by Alan Shultz

My venture into the Pilates form of exercise was more of a stumble than the kind of precise and fluid movement that the popular physical fitness system teaches.

I think I was struggling with some sit-ups when Jerry, the instructor at the gym, said, "I think you'd like Pilates." Without any idea of what I was getting into, I was on the floor of the basketball court lying on my back, focusing on my navel and splashing imaginary water with my arms outstretched and to my side.

That first exercise is called "100s" and if the Pilates written quiz asked me why the water splashing sans water is called "100s," well, Jerry's not saying.

Pilates was developed in the early 1900s by Joseph Pilates - and that's the extent of my knowledge of its history. But these days Pilates is hot, hot, hot and Tuesday at 7a.m. is my date with Jerry, the floor mat and a routine of 24 exercises that I'm trying to learn.

Breathing is a big part of the Pilates routine, and it's one of my biggest problems. I often inhale when I should exhale and when I get confused I tend to not breathe at all. This poses its own problem. I came to Pilates thinking I knew how to breathe. This turned out to be an incorrect assumption. When I breathe deeply my shoulders go up and down. This is incorrect. Instead my rib cage is supposed to go in and out. Yea, right.

I'm working on the breathing.

I'm working on a lot of things.

My wife says I can't get the Pilates gear, the sleek athletic exercise wear popular with the Pilates crowd, until I actually master some of the routine. That means I show up on Tuesdays in maroon Wilson tennis shorts, circa 1982 and a white t-shirt I got free from Kerfin Home Inspections. Cap that off with white gym socks and tennis shoes. It's a look, but not a "Pilates" look.

Early on in my Pilates experience I thought I could cheat and cut down on the learning curve. I snuck out and bought the DVD "Pilates for Dummies." Unfortunately I think I got the advanced Dummies version because the lady instructor moves so fast I've not splashed any imaginary water before she's on to the next exercise.

A big part of the routine is that the various exercises are supposed to flow together and compliment each other. It's not to be a stop-start venture, but rather a seamless one into another. Jerry can see that seamless is not going to happen with me, not without a 911 call, anyway. When I look like I'm going to explode, he detours me to what's called "child pose."

Child pose is more Yoga

than Pilates. Head on the

floor, butt up in the air, child pose is a great back relaxing position and is my temporary refuge before going into exercises with names like: the saw, the bicycle and the teaser.

One exercise right at the end of the floor Pilates routine has thus far stumped me. It's called the seal. Frankly, I'll have to get back to you on why it's called that. Head off the floor, legs extended, look at your navel, put your arms out and grab the inner part of your calf - that's how I think we start the seal. Now inhale, roll backwards, legs up and stop mid-air. Tap your feet together three times. At this point inertia sets in on me and I am in a stopped position. Jerry, on the other hand, is exhaling and rolling back down. I have not found the stomach muscle that triggers that movement - another point on which I'll have to get back to you.

Meanwhile, I'll not be shopping for my Pilates outfit anytime soon.

Heck, you can't see much of me when I'm in child pose. Then again, you do get a lot of maroon Wilson shorts.