Cousins

Midwest Memo by Alan Shultz

One of my favorite snapshots that I carry in my memory is of our sons, Brad and Jeff, upon the return home from the wedding of my cousin, Roger Shoup, to his wife, Elizabeth.

The boys were probably about six years old at the time. The wedding had been quite the celebration and it was indeed the wee hours when we arrived home and pulled into our garage. Back then we drove a Chevy wagon with a rear third seat that faced the back.

I'll never forget the sight of those two little boys when popped the back hatch door to fetch them up into the house. Sound asleep, so gone they were, their heads leaning against each other like twin bookends. Their little ties at half-mast, slicked back hair now matted, little revelers they were, done in by the best-ever wedding reception.

I learned the secret of a good wedding celebration at the joining of Elizabeth and Roger. The secret is embrace your guests. Instead of the event being all about them, Elizabeth and Roger clearly made it about those in attendance. They were hostess and host beyond their years. The Polka Band clearly added to the festivity. And the singing - instead of clinking a water goblet to call for a bride and groom kiss, each table had to sing a love song to earn that favor. It was wonderful party - "best ever" the boys always say.

Whoever invented the concept of the cousin clearly had good idea. Close family, without close quarters, shared roots, without shared rooms, the whole cousin idea grants the possibility of belonging to one another without the complexities and hassles of immediate, day-to-day family life.

I've been especially blessed in the cousin department. We've visited and celebrated and kept close over the years. We've bought and sold Girl Scout Cookies between us, exchanged cards, visited summer homes, viewed each others slides and phoned back and forth with family news. Baptisms, first communions, school plays, sporting events and recitals -through the years we've shared a little of this and a little of that. It adds up, does, it adds up to being family. The cousins came together again last week, this time a funeral for Roger, who passed away suddenly at age 41.

Roger was the son of my first cousin, Charles, and his wife, Ann. I never bothered figuring out the technical "once removed" verses the "second" business that officiates in the cousin arena. I had the luxury of being the young cousin on the elder tier or the elder cousin in the young crowd. That young group included Roger and his sisters, Linda and Judy. Now there is this wonderful blessing of the next generation, including Roger and Elizabeth's children,

Trace, Trevor and Megan. To

be consistent, I'm now claiming these sweethearts as my cousins, too. Why stop with a good thing?

Just as the occasion of Roger and Elizabeth's wedding served as a true celebration of family and friends, Roger's funeral served as a tribute, not only to him as a person, but a tribute to family, friends and connection. And the cousins didn't let him down. Fighting weather and airport delays, Roger's certified "First Cousins" made their way, Heather from Kansas, Heidi from Colorado, and Jeff from D.C. They joined with Roger's best friend, Scott, and buddy, John, from Michigan, sharing memories of their collective bond brought together by the one they had now lost.

Besides relatives and friends there were neighbors, co-workers, and church family in huge numbers weighing in with food and flowers, tears and tenderness. Not content to simply ask whether there was something they could do, people did, they came, they cried, they brought, they helped.

I lost my cousin Roger last week. He had a roar of a laugh. He shared it often and liberally. He will be sorely missed.