Midwest Memo
Kinda sorta
by Alan Shultz

At our last office meeting the manager gave out rewards for sales made the previous month. I rated a dinner out on the firm...sort of.

My gift, if you can call it that, was a $25 coupon for dinner. I have to register the coupon on line over the internet with the company that issued it. The instructions say that at the time of registration I'll learn all the great dining spots where this coupon is honored.

I received one of these identical coupons in the past. Call me naive, but back then I assumed that a gift was a gift and that the coupon was actually worth something. It turned out... that kind of depends.

These particular kindof coupons are honored at participating restaurants, but subject to certain provisions. The coupon must be used on workdays, not weekends. The $25 coupon value has to be applied towards a bill of a minimum of $50. So my gift comes with the provision that I eat a meal out on a day I'd prefer to eat in. It also requires that I purchase more meal than I necessarily want.

"Such a gift," one might exclaim, except that it is really not a gift at all. It's a gimmick.

I don't like gimmicks masquerading as gifts. I'm a person who loves to use the words "thank you" liberally. But instead of feeling gratitude, I feel manipulated when handed a gift that's not quite a gift.

Kinda, sorta doesn't cut it in many regards, but it seems to be used more and more liberally.

For instance, take apologies.

Politicians and all kinds of folks in the public eye have been using the non-apology, apology more and more of late. It takes kinda, sorta to a more sophisticated level.

The non-apology apology rates an entry in the popular free on-line encyclopedia known as "Wikepedia." which defines it as: "a statement in the apparent form of an apology that is actually nothing of the sort."

So when a non-apologist says: "I'm sorry if anyone took offense" they actually are saying "I'm sorry you are so thin skinned or provincial or (fill in the blank) that you got bent out of shape at my non-offensive remarks."

Instead of saying "I'm sorry for my offensive remarks" the non-apologist says "I'm sorry if my remarks were misunderstood by others." The non-apologist takes note of the cosmic discomfort caused by the attention he or she has gathered rather than taking ownership of the remark or gaff.

A lack of genuineness is the common thread that runs through the non-gift dinner coupon gift and the non-apology apology. They both leave the recipient with the proverbial short end.

Perplexed, and annoyed over my dinner coupon, I let it sit on my office desk aging and agitating at the same time.

Then in a fit of inspiration, I fed it through the paper shredder.

Spaghetti- kinda, sorta.

* * * Just in time for Christmas:

Over the years I've whined and lamented over my Grandmother Jeannette's lost scone recipe. She made the world's best scones on a griddle on the stove. The recipe she left behind on earth yields heavy as brick facsimiles of her famous delicacies.

Now a bakery in Chicago is offering a service I've never heard of before. Bring in the recipe your loved one left behind. Describe the object of your palate's obsession.

They fill in the blanks!

That's right, this place will take your recipe and your memory and make the two jell.

Not only am I placing my order, I'm stocking up on apricot marmalade in anticipation.